insight arising

Get naked with coronavirus.  By get naked, I mean, get quiet, get bored, get sad, get angry, get confused, get relaxed, get rest, get restless, get thankful, get scared, get whatever it is that our inner world is asking of us right now. Get naked with yourself. Get exposed to yourself.  This exercise might be more difficult for those who have care taking duties. But this is an opportunity nevertheless to really be there for ourselves and our loved ones in a way that we were never invited to do before. This moment of pause in our "normal" lives as we know is historic for the world. Such a moment may frighten many of us who might not be used to this amount of time on our hands or used to this unprecedented barrier to busy-ing our lives in the way that both our evolutionary instincts and American culture socializes us to do. BUT, this is a tremendous chance for us to take stock in what's most important to us, to find gratitude for our lives literally, and to simply get q...

Am I ready to die? Am I ready to die alone?  I spent all day contemplating these questions. They're not questions we're forced to think about often, as young people or as Americans. But given the state of this pandemic, many of us, maybe for the first time ever, are confronting this possible reality. Maybe though, despite the grave circumstance, some of us are not yet allowing ourselves to really consider this reality. Because frankly, the thought of dying, regardless of our age, is absolutely terrifying. And to die alone, wow. Who could blame this fear of ours though? Our American view of death is one of deep aversion. It's not something we talk openly about, embrace, celebrate, nor prepare for. It's something we avoid and run away from. Am I ready to die? Am I ready to die alone?  While I haven't asked myself these questions explicitly before coronavirus, over the past few months, I have been in deep contemplation about many other aspects of death. Am I sc...

Last October, I went to a powerfully intuitive reiki practitioner, looking for a cleanse and realignment of the energy centers in my body. I needed her help to deal with my divorce grief. I had no idea what to expect, but walked away feeling upright, lighter, and energetic. Days after my second reiki, while sitting in meditation, I experienced an intimate moment of gratitude for someone I love deeply. Within minutes, I felt a rush of clarity and energy in my body. Just like that, the idea of living A Year of Dana came to me. After a few months of feeling the continuous energy of this idea in my heart and body, I finally decided to give notice to my employer. I am leaving my job of five years on April 3, 2020. Over the next year, I will be living A Year of Dana , focused on the practice of generosity towards myself and others. I will practice generosity through cultivating a heartset and mindset of abundance and dismantling my own mental conditioning around scarcity. My h...

This weekend, I joined a training about cultivating compassion held by the Compassion Institute  at the Gyuto Monastery in Richmond. The workshop was taught by Margaret Cullen and Thupten Jinpa, principal English translator for the Dalai Lama (lightly fangirled Jinpa for his proximity to HHDL). We kicked off the day with a guided visualization recalling an experience where we received or showed compassion. With my eyes closed, I remembered sitting in my bed just two weeks ago, sobbing. I recalled the feelings of hurt from my mom's painful words that I had failed at my marriage. I called my sister on Facetime. She picked up and saw that I was crying and immediately went into another room, shut the door, and looked into the video with a quiet attention. I told her what happened with our mom. She listened carefully, patiently, and with genuine concern on her face. She let me finish sharing all my thoughts and feelings. Once I finished, she paused and gave silence as she absorbed my...

What you eventually realize is some people won't ever see your heart;  even when you show it to them.  It is then you'll understand, they're still  searching for their own.  How many people in our lives do we choose to show our hearts to? Parents? Siblings? Partners? Friends? Co-workers? Strangers? Who do you choose to reveal the wholeness of your heart? Your inner being? Your truest nature? Why do you choose to reveal it to these trusted people in your life? Why do they get to see it? Because your heart is wide open and capable of this vulnerability? Because you're longing to be seen? Because they too reveal their hearts to you? Because there is a safe space you've created to allow your hearts to breathe and be together? Have you ever shown someone your heart but realized they couldn't see it? Hold it? Be with it? What was that pain like to realize this? Where did it hurt? What did you blame? Did you understand it? Did you blame yourself? Did yo...

Everyone walks around with headphones in. If most of these folks are listening to music, why don't we see more people dancing? What is keeping our arms stationary at the sides of our body as we walk? What is keeping us from getting down to the beat of our music no matter where we are? Why do we have to wait to be drunk on a dark sticky dance floor to move our bodies? Not so embarrassingly, I have had more one-woman dance parties in my car, on the streets, and in my apartment over the past seven months than I have in years combined. Yes, without shame, I am blaring music (again, usually pop or 90s hip hop), and my body just wants to move, so I am letting her. When she's moving in public, the few smiles I receive in return are all worth it. What's going on you might ask? I've noticed that in this transition period, the more I still my mind, the more alive I feel. The more alive I feel, the more energy returns to my heart, allowing her to feel all the emotions deeply....

It turns out, frozen tamales make really good ice packs for swollen eyes. I spent a good part of last night and early this morning, laying in the dark, with frozen tamales sitting pressed into my eyeballs. Yesterday was an internal shit show. A complete emotional rollercoaster following the difficult exchange with my mom. Anger. Grief. Confusion. Self-judgment. Hurt. Feeling unloved, dismissed, and misunderstood. I cried on Bart. I cried on the street. I cried in my bed. With beloveds. With myself. Would it stop? I saw my mental afflictions come and go all day. I welcomed them to be with me for as long as they needed. I wrung the tears out of my heart like a towel. With each twist, releasing the deep hurt from the grief of my divorce, from the pain of my mom's dagger. I really leaned into it all, literally sitting with myself and staying tender with my heart. She was pumping hard all day and deserved my attention. I refused to neglect her so I reached out and conne...