Frozen tamales… and my healing journey


It turns out, frozen tamales make really good ice packs for swollen eyes. I spent a good part of last night and early this morning, laying in the dark, with frozen tamales sitting pressed into my eyeballs.

Yesterday was an internal shit show. A complete emotional rollercoaster following the difficult exchange with my mom. Anger. Grief. Confusion. Self-judgment. Hurt. Feeling unloved, dismissed, and misunderstood. I cried on Bart. I cried on the street. I cried in my bed. With beloveds. With myself. Would it stop? I saw my mental afflictions come and go all day. I welcomed them to be with me for as long as they needed. I wrung the tears out of my heart like a towel. With each twist, releasing the deep hurt from the grief of my divorce, from the pain of my mom's dagger. I really leaned into it all, literally sitting with myself and staying tender with my heart. She was pumping hard all day and deserved my attention. I refused to neglect her so I reached out and connected with my community of beloveds. They helped remind me of my personal power and truth. I felt heard and seen. Sometimes, that's all you really need to begin feeling better. Somehow I got myself through the day. 

This morning, I woke up slowly. Eyes, puffy and swollen (hence the tamales). But, in some way, yesterday's emotional rollercoaster felt totally surreal. Was that really hurt? Was that really anger? Were those real tears? Yes, yes, and yes. But, where did it all go this morning? I got out of bed, took a shower, and had a really pleasant breakfast, like any regular day. I realized I felt lighter somehow in my body. I got ready for a hike with another beloved and left the building, noticing again, hmmm… I feel light, but how? Strangely, I felt like a new person.

I got into the car and turned on the radio. Pop music. Bieber, Selena, The Weeknd. Nothing gets me going the way pop music does (slightly embarrassing, but whose with me?). The next thing you know, this penetrating energy started flowing through my whole body. I turned the volume higher and higher. Rage. Anger. Grief. Sadness. With the energy of the music, my thoughts started racing as my heart beat faster and faster.

Yesterday was a gift. A really fucked up gift! Mom is testing me. She's forcing me to reach greater depths of compassion. To love her as she is. Even though "as she is" includes conditioned behaviors that are fucked up to me. Her ways of being are a mirror. I have to break this pattern. I have to heal myself. I have to heal her wounds through my own healing. I can do this. I can accept myself as I am at my core. Soft. Tender. Sensitive. All the things she denies in herself. All the things she rejects about me. All the things he couldn't love about me either. It's all fucking intertwined, interdependent. Nothing is its own separate existence. Is this my healing journey? Yes, this is my healing journey. 

I drove fast up Grizzly Peak. Rage. Anger. Grief. Sadness. These feelings started to take new shape. The energy in yesterday's body transforming into today's body. I started beating the steering wheel hard with the palms of my hands to the notes of the music. Power. Strength. Resilience. Resolve. Each beat turning the final bits of this negative energy into a force of fortitude, as I arrived to my beloved and our beautiful hiking destination.

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