insight arising

What I am returning to... my mom and her lecturing fingers :) I'm returning to the belly of the beast. I'm headed to Orange County to live with my aging parents for the first time since leaving at the age of 17. This decision arrived from deep listening to my intuition, a quiet yet bold calling for me to return to the origins of my greatest wounds.  You see, over the last couple years, as I've uncovered some of my deepest sufferings, artifacts from familial trauma have surfaced along the way. Shiny, prickly artifacts that have somehow survived many generations, remaining in the most pristine condition. So pristine, it's easy to believe they're brand new relics that I created myself. But, I didn't create them, and they're not just mine. They belong to my mother and father, and their mothers and fathers, and their mothers and fathers. And now it's time for me to explore what aspects of these ancestral artifacts should be set down, and what aspects should c

  When I moved into this little shoebox studio shortly after my separation, I sensed immediately it had an energetic holding that would support the most difficult period of my life. Living here with my roommate has taught me a lot about the value of creating a space that connects me to beauty, peace, and spaciousness. The existence of these elements in my physical environment brings a sense of ease and safety to my mind and heart. My relationship with beauty has shifted quite meaningfully while living here. Things I used to overlook or defer to another are now supremely important to me. Having beautiful flowers at the table. Enjoying the charm of each furniture piece. Displaying unique art. Lighting candles and burning palo santo. Letting sunlight and fresh air through the windows. Playing soft music in the background. Making my bed. Tending to my altar and meditation corner. These seemingly simple practices have helped me center and turn inwards for refuge.  My dining table pictured

My spiritual home, East Bay Meditation Center, has launched their end of year season of gratitude fundraising campaign. It's been incredibly heart warming to see how EBMC has expanded their offerings and services in such a significant time of spiritual and human need. With the new virtual way, EBMC is working harder than ever to spread radically inclusive and diverse teachings and programming, reaching an unprecedented number of people locally and across the world. It's my good fortune to be able to share my own personal story to support this campaign. If you are able to contribute, please consider giving to this sacred place that is enriching and saving countless lives, many thanks.  ---  Two years ago, I found myself at the very bottom of my well of suffering. It was cold, dry, and dark. While my spirit felt depressed and dull at the time, something deep inside told me that I needed to find a different way. I was drowning myself in work to maintain the numbness of my pain fro

Super happy to receive my Buddhist name from teacher  It's been an entire year since I took my Bodhisattva vows . When I think back to that day, I feel immense joy, love, warmth, and connection. It was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I could feel the calling to these vows in my bones. Like my north star, so clearly shining upon my path forward. My most trusted people, part of my primary soul care team and personal sangha, were there to witness this commitment. Since this momentous occasion, the way of the Bodhisattva has taken root in my body. My practice is not about getting it perfect or following each vow to the T. The value is in my effort, how I get up from my falls, stay connected to myself, and relax back into the present flow of life, no matter how turbulent the path is. Like my teacher said, being a Bodhisattva is a total hot mess. And oy, has this year been a total hot mess.  Most of the time, after my meditation sessions, I read these vows out loud. Sometim

Oakland Redwoods   These tears for you They're like no other tears I've ever had They come from the deep part of my soul A depth I didn't know was alive until you awakened it with the tenderness of your eyes with the softness of your broken soul with the care of your widening heart These tears for you They are quiet sweet poignant desirous  and oceanic in meaning  These tears for you They tell me a new story about pain A new story about joy Stories I am still trying to understand still learning how to hold still trying to accept From the deep part of my soul these tears for you they wrap themselves like vines around my being drench my spirit into defeat flow into and fill my heart where they pile into a reservoir  that eventually parches leaving behind a new and remarkable imprint of love

I am not meant to live the conventional life.  I am not meant to live in the bliss of ignorance.  I am not meant to live in auto-pilot.  I am not meant to live afraid of intimacy or power.  I am not meant to live in delusion.  I am not meant to do as I am told.  I am not meant to be small or voiceless.  I am not meant to live within rigid lines and expectations.  I am not meant to feel so numb that I can't sense my own breath.  I am not meant to live disconnected from myself.  I am not meant to love with just half my being.  I am not meant to be loved carelessly or with hesitance.  I am meant to embrace a life misunderstood by the rest.  I am meant to thrive in the complex and gray areas of life.  I am meant to live awake and alive to the beauty of each moment.  I am meant to hold and see multiple truths at once.  I am meant to experience all facets of pain and suffering.  I am meant to live with clear seeing.  I am meant to do as I tell myself.  I am meant to live deeply connected