See you later Bay Area, I'm returning to the belly of the beast

What I am returning to... my mom and her lecturing fingers :)


I'm returning to the belly of the beast. I'm headed to Orange County to live with my aging parents for the first time since leaving at the age of 17. This decision arrived from deep listening to my intuition, a quiet yet bold calling for me to return to the origins of my greatest wounds. 

You see, over the last couple years, as I've uncovered some of my deepest sufferings, artifacts from familial trauma have surfaced along the way. Shiny, prickly artifacts that have somehow survived many generations, remaining in the most pristine condition. So pristine, it's easy to believe they're brand new relics that I created myself. But, I didn't create them, and they're not just mine. They belong to my mother and father, and their mothers and fathers, and their mothers and fathers. And now it's time for me to explore what aspects of these ancestral artifacts should be set down, and what aspects should continue guiding me in this lifetime. I realized on this journey of awakening, I have the power to choose what I take with me. 

I want to be really honest here with myself. I am not returning to the belly of the beast with a blind mission to be martyr and change my parents for the better. My intention is to learn how to love and accept them fully as they are today, with all their wounds and artifacts in tact, from the lens that I am wearing in this moment, as the person I am today. I will be holding these questions mindfully. 

Can I break old patterns within myself while staying in connection to my parents? 

Can I show up fully, engage them sincerely, and not dissociate or dismiss them as I have in the past? 

Can I stay connected to my grounding practices and lean further into my self care? 

Can I draw healthy boundaries respectfully and compassionately to fully honor emotional needs? 

Can I fully acknowledge my feelings yet be gentle and forgive myself when I make mistakes? 

Can I choose myself while staying respectful and caring of my parents? 

Can I practice generosity and abundance without betraying myself to earn their love and approval? 

Can I set down the idealization of what my mom should be to me and receive her fully as she is? 

There is no playbook to healing intergenerational trauma in a refugee family. But I do know that my inner work this year has gifted me tools and practices that give me a deeper capacity to engage the origins of my wounds in a new way. I want to leave room for them to surprise me. I want to see if I can make space for a different way. Because I learned, when I change, the world around me can change as well. I am not expecting perfection of myself. I am not expecting to be the dutiful daughter who always does right. I am not expecting warm and cuddly 7th Heaven status relationships with my family. Instead, I hope for deeper understanding and acceptance within myself. I hope for self forgiveness and compassion. I hope for lighter and joyful moments with my parents. And while having these hopes is okay, I will stay present with the unfolding process, practicing non-attachment with the outcome of the experience. 

My only intention is to simply try a different way. Regardless of the outcome, my effort will undoubtedly bring some insight for this lifelong path. And if all goes terribly and somehow my stubborn 17 year old self comes back with a fierce vengeance, it's all good. At the very least, I'll be fed some delicious Vietnamese food. 

Comments

  1. Sharon DeshpandeDecember 31, 2020 at 12:28 PM

    Much love and power to you as you embark on this next chapter, DD!
    -SD

    ReplyDelete
  2. saisaiJanuary 4, 2021 at 10:37 PM

    Good luck Danielle on this brave journey. -Sai

    ReplyDelete

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