What I thought love was


I didn't grow up imagining my wedding day. I never pined for prince charming. But I was a sucker for romantic comedies. While I was a hopeful romantic, I quietly tempered my ideals. I never looked at my parents and thought, "I want that!" Some things I liked about their love, but righteously so, I told myself I deserved something different. Or so I thought. I wanted a love that was deep, one that would change me. As a deeply emotional person, I felt I had figured out what love was. It turns out, a lot of what I thought love was, contrary to my righteous way, came from what my dear mother modeled (how are mothers so sticky?!). Heartbreak though has shown me otherwise. Love isn't what I thought it was, and time had arrived to let go of these long held beliefs. 

I thought love was all about sacrifice. It was hard work at all times. It was relentless effort. Because, all good things take hard work right? Love doesn't have boundaries. It is emotionally dependent. It's when people share absolutely everything, almost to a point where one or both people lose themselves. Love was thankless, because why should we expect to be thanked by our loved ones? Love was changing myself to make another happy, because compromise, right? Love was adjusting my needs because, what person gets all of their needs met? Love was indiscriminately generous, sometimes giving parts of my self away. Love was taking care emotionally of another first and foremost, because love is the truest form of selflessness right? Love was also something I needed to earn. I needed to do the right thing in order to receive love in full. Love was approval and affirmation. Love was what I could have if I was good and agreeable. Love was being the rock, no matter what. It was forever. 

So if these things aren't love, what is it?

I have discovered that love is simply acceptance. It sees your imperfect ways and loves you anyway.  Love is grace and understanding. Love is loving yourself first in order to love another fully. Love is fluid and open. It flows like water, agile enough to be with the twists and turns of life. Love is not without its hardship but overall finds ease even in the most difficult. Love is the endless source of the four divine abodes: loving kindness, compassion, empathetic joy, and equanimity. Without judgment, love is holding  safe space. It is a warm hug just because. Love is faith, rather than fear. It sees another's longing. It sees what's underneath and in between. Love is courage and vulnerability. It is an emotional risk worth taking, because it trusts there is a safety net. It is the quality of our attention. It is willfully witnessing another while laying bare the darkest part of our being. Love is connected spiritually. It can rest comfortably in stillness and silence. It can be any of mother earth's elements: earth, water, fire, air, and space. Love inspires creativity and expansive thinking. It is conscious and humble. The breath of love is like an anchor, grounding you into the deepest roots of your soul. Love endures, yet heals. It is alive and abundant. It is steady. It is present. Love is possibility. 

Finally, in the wise words of Dr. Maya Angelou, love is freedom. It liberates you to life.

Comments

  1. starSeptember 23, 2020 at 9:25 AM

    Thank you for this, and for your courage and vulnerability.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brandon YuongJanuary 1, 2021 at 4:01 PM

    Love is... all of the above. It is all of the qualities you discovered about it and everything you thought it was. What you experienced may not have reached your ideals, but that's okay, even if what happened after was unfortunate. Love is unconditional, not seeking anything in return. But it also needs to flow back and forth harmoniously. It most definitely should feel like freedom.

    ReplyDelete

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