The Fear Series: What, Why, Tsunamis, & Horror Films

tidal wave crashing on coastal town
Just looking at this picture makes my body anxious 

 What? Over the next few days, I will be doing deep dives into my biggest fears. In the last year, I've been exploring my relationship with darkness (see old post here), both literally and figuratively. Part of this exercise will be a deeper exploration about the physical things in the outer world and the mental things in my inner world that bring anxiety and paralysis to my heart and body. Beyond that, I'll be looking more closely at how these outer world and inner world fears may be all tied up together.

Why? Coming face to face with these fears is one way to wear them down. By having a conversation with these fears, I get to see them, understand them a bit better, and maybe manage them to work for me instead of against me. Not trying to eliminate them for good, although wouldn't that be cool. But to allow them to exist within me in a way that doesn't keep me from making choices and living my life solely based on them. Sure, these fears exist for a reason, meant to protect me in some ways. But looking back, I've let too many of these fears disproportionately speak, act, live, and love on my behalf (and probably kept me from having some fun, at least with the ones below!).

Alright, let's dig in. First up, some "soft ball" fears. Although not really soft, either of them. By soft I mean, less invasive of my deeper issues. A little bit easier to share.

 Fear 1: Drowning & Tsunamis

I am terrified of drowning. I don't get into the deep end of the pool. I don't get too far into the ocean. I don't get into beautiful alpine lakes. I miss out on all the fun swimming activities. I admire those humans who are like fish and sea monkeys. People ask, well don't you know how to swim? My answer is, sort of. My mom, being a boat person refugee, saw swimming as a life line. She put me in swim classes for years as a child, even diving lessons! Yet still, somehow I walked away from the experience still terrified and unable to swim proficiently. In Yosemite, I had a minor panic attack as I walked by the big rushing waterfall, terrified that I'd fall in and die. Not to mention, I have recurring stress dreams about tsunamis, usually me running away as a gigantic tsunami takes me under. There's something vast and ominous about large and deep bodies of water that just freak me out. There's an uncertainty to the vastness of the ocean, a mystery to its depth. Maybe one day I will come into acceptance with the unknownness of the ocean, and then find the courage to take swim lessons again to face this fear once and for all.

Fear 2: Horror Films

I hate scary movies, all of them. Thrillers, horrors, thrashers, zombies, vampires, and weird psychological ones. My friends who love them think they're fun? With lots of ego, I make fun of them for being disturbed people. But likely, it's me who is the disturbed one. My relationship with scary films is one of deep aversion. I don't want my supposed wholesomeness to be disrupted. I don't want scary feelings or imaginings after the movie. I don't want to have thoughts that a psychopath is waiting in my room. There's something there I am not willing to face that goes beyond the surface level. I don't want to sit with the scared feelings. Instead, I avoid them by not watching these things. But what is there to learn from doing so? Maybe that my scared feelings are just that, scared feelings. That they actually won't harm or kill me. That when I have them, they may pass, and maybe I will see them clearly for what they are?

Well, I guess there's only one way to find out. I am committing to watching at least a couple scary films (maybe by myself?) in the next few months. I welcome your recommendations.

Next up on the Fear Series: Am I Stupid? 

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