My Relationship with Darkness

Light and Darkness Are One

I've been afraid of the dark since I was a teeny human. I used to sleep with a night light or at the foot of my parents' bed because it was hard to be alone in the dark. In all the places I've lived, I would switch on ALL the lights, regardless if I was actually in the room. I'd leave lights on, even when I left the house, because I didn't want to return home to the dark.

My relationship with darkness has really changed over the past few months. I have been knee deep in a major life transition, where I am learning how to be comfortable with the darkest corners of my own being. As I contemplate darkness in myself, unraveling parts of me that were hard to discover earlier on in my life, my interactions with literal darkness have changed. For the better, I'd say. Actually, it's been pretty fun.

Over the past few months, I have:
  • Barely used my ceiling lights, defaulting to my nightstand lamp, a stove light, and lots and lots of rose scented candles. 
  • Been showering in the dark or with a small candle. 
  • Been eating in the dark with a candle at the dining table. This has helped me slow down my eating (since it's hard to see your food clearly...). 
  • Stared at myself for several minutes in a large mirror, in the dark. (This used to, and still does, terrify me because of those Bloody Mary stories!!!) 
  • Spent time in a nearby cemetery by myself as the darkness of falltime dusk approached. This experience really pushed my boundary. I was searching for zombies in the distance as it got darker. 
I've learned some things about myself through these experiences. First, I have some ninja like night vision. Second, I can see more clearly some of my deepest fears, and then to my surprise, watch them slowly dissolve as I come closer to them. In this period of my life, I realized that 'darkness' is actually not bad. It's been socialized to us as a thing to fear and stray away from. But, if you approach it head on, and essentially become friends with 'darkness' whether within yourself or literally, you'll see that it's not much different from 'light' and together, 'darkness' and 'light' are inseparable parts of who we are and our lived experiences. 



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