Maybe he's right, maybe I am selfish

A Generous Morning in Bolinas 

"But if you're only giving because it makes you feel good, isn't that selfish?" he asked. 

My then-partner wasn't wrong to ask the question. It could have been a healthy discussion. But it wasn't. He asked the question to make a point, because he was coming from a place of self-judgment. I responded in difficult defense, because I was coming from a place of fear. The exchange became a deeply painful moment for me, my sense of self, and our relationship. I thought, "Maybe he's right, maybe I am selfish." 

I stopped there without further internal investigation partly because I relinquished my own agency and partly because I wanted to keep harmony. As a result, in the final years of our relationship, I shrank myself. I felt some shame. I grew tight. I doubted my impulses of generosity. I thought I was selfish, so I became increasingly selfish. I let the desire to give pass me by. I acted less and less generously with myself and others. I thought twice when I did give. Somehow, I lost sight of this once very meaningful part of my essence. The internal tension weighed heavily on me but I didn't do anything about it. 

Since the start of A Year of Dana (Dana is Sanskrit/Pali for generosity), I've been contemplating the practice of generosity and paying close attention to my lived experiences with it. It's been a journey to reclaim this authentic part of myself, a part that my mother so intently cultivated since I was young. I chose to focus on generosity because it's the foundational skill on the path of the Bodhisattva. The wholesome quality that underlies all other practices towards true freedom and enlightenment. I learned that generosity was the starting point of the Buddha's teachings. He taught on generosity before ethics, meditation, and even the Four Noble Truths. Isn't this extraordinary? He taught first on generosity because when we give, it does bring joy and lightness to our lives! And it is perfectly good to appreciate this joy, which then serves as the very skillful foundation that deepens our meditative concentration, insight, and practice towards a freer mind. When we give, we learn how to let go, how to cling less. We strengthen our abundant nature and weaken scarcity mindset. While each of us have our own conditionings around generosity, it is a quality found within all of our hearts, and can be cultivated and practiced. 

So in this new journey, I'm working to mindfully act on my generous impulses. I'm working to return home to myself. I'll stay attentive to the giving practice -- to see how it feels in my body, to see when fear or scarcity surface, and to see its nature  before, during, and after the act. 

Looking back, I wish, in that moment with him, instead of shrinking myself, I would have offered more curiosity and self-compassion in response to his question. I wish I had the wisdom I do now to lean back into my own knowing and trust of self and expand both of our thinking and belief systems. I am still working to forgive her. Forgiveness would be the greatest dana.