insight arising

Dark Horses are Fucking Gorgeous!  My trusted friend and colleague said to me, "You're the dark horse here." After about three years as a frontline consultant, I decided to apply for a manager role in my department. Management opportunities were far and few between given the structure of our group. So naturally, when this role opened up, several very talented, skilled, and qualified candidates, a couple who were good friends of mine, threw their hats into the ring as well. Let me be honest. In this field of candidates, this Jungle Asian was most definitely the "dark horse". Upon hearing this comment, I was immediately confused, trying to absorb what it meant, why they might have said it, and how it would affect my preparation for the process. I was confused, not by the potential truth of the comment, but by the sureness of their belief.   Following the comment, they shared their perspective on how the other applicants were far more qualified.  Was I...

I have a fear of appearing stupid to others. The root of this fear is a combination of several things. Growing up in a mostly white neighborhood with parents who didn't speak English well. Getting passed up for an elite spellers team in 3rd grade. Getting overlooked for the GATE program. My SAT scores repeatedly sucking compared to my other "smart Asian friends". Being terrible at numbers, quantitative classes, and technical skills, and feeling less than because of it. Those damn Model Minority expectations. Family pressure to be the best since I was given the most. And of course, my mom grinding my ass about never failing. I was never told that 7th Heaven shit (loved that show btw). "Oh sweetie, it's OK to make mistakes and learn from them." In fact, my mom would often say, "LOOK AT YOUR SIBLINGS' MISTAKES, LEARN FROM THEIR FAILURES SO YOU CAN AVOID YOUR OWN!" "Work 10 times harder! Don't celebrate your successes! You ca...

Ma said to me, "You don't know much about cooking so let me help. Boil the water first. Then put the shrimp in, but don't leave it in too long." "Ok ok," I said.   "They'll shrink and then you'll lose the sweetness!" she replied. "Ok… ok," I said. "Hurry! You left them in too long! Take them out, peel them now. OK, you'll notice the dark line on the curve of the shrimp…", she said. "Ok OK I know what that is!", I responded with exasperation. "It's the shrimp's poop. Using a knife, slide along the curve. Yes, that's it. Pull IT ALL out. It's bad to eat. It's where all the gunk builds up," she says, as if she didn't hear me. "I KNOW MOM," I responded, eyes rolling in my head. "Boil new water for the noodles. Rinse the lettuce. Boil more hot water for the rice paper. You remember how to roll it? Remember, tight rolls. The...

My final week of work offered me a challenge to explore many questions: How do I relate to the experience of receiving generosity from others? How does my ego affect the ability to embrace kindness? What is my relationship with non-closure?  I was feeling grumpy about not having my "high-school senior graduation" at work. No prom or senior night after 5 years of service? Bleh!  Given the state of the world, the thought of a virtual toast as a farewell party just made my skin crawl with discomfort. On the one hand, I was frustrated about not getting the closure I wanted. On the other hand, I was uncomfortable with all the focused attention. Our minds are fickle aren't they?  I was so wrapped up in my own ego about things, it was hard to see the opportunity.  A virtual thing seemed remiss.   So  I told my co-worker, "Let's not do it. It  will be so awkward! "  But who would it be awkward for? My co-workers or myself? Fortunate for...

I took a walk this morning and needed a good podcast to accompany me. I browsed a few I had downloaded over the past few months. When I looked closely at a Tim Ferris Show episode with Bren é  Brown , I noticed the title: Striving versus Self Acceptance, Saving Marriages and More . I smiled, shaking my head to myself and thought, how did the Universe know?  In early January, I got together with a few warrior friends for some delicious  Pho Ga  (chicken pho), which by the way, is an awesome family cooking project you should check out by my friend Anna. In true warrior fashion, we enjoyed some deep discussion about life things while we slurped down Anna's delicious homemade creation. I decided to throw out a question to the group that I had been contemplating for some time, hoping they might have some answers.  How do we balance the process of learning how to accept and love ourselves fully with the deeply socialized process of continuously self-i...

Just looking at this picture makes my body anxious  What? Over the next few days, I will be doing deep dives into my biggest fears. In the last year, I've been exploring my relationship with darkness (see old post here ), both literally and figuratively. Part of this exercise will be a deeper exploration about the physical things in the outer world and the mental things in my inner world that bring anxiety and paralysis to my heart and body. Beyond that, I'll be looking more closely at how these outer world and inner world fears may be all tied up together. Why? Coming face to face with these fears is one way to wear them down. By having a conversation with these fears, I get to see them, understand them a bit better, and maybe manage them to work for me instead of against me. Not trying to eliminate them for good, although wouldn't that be cool. But to allow them to exist within me in a way that doesn't keep me from making choices and living my life solely b...