This Jungle Asian Was Most Definitely The Dark Horse

Dark Horses are Fucking Gorgeous! 

My trusted friend and colleague said to me, "You're the dark horse here."

After about three years as a frontline consultant, I decided to apply for a manager role in my department. Management opportunities were far and few between given the structure of our group. So naturally, when this role opened up, several very talented, skilled, and qualified candidates, a couple who were good friends of mine, threw their hats into the ring as well.

Let me be honest. In this field of candidates, this Jungle Asian was most definitely the "dark horse".

Upon hearing this comment, I was immediately confused, trying to absorb what it meant, why they might have said it, and how it would affect my preparation for the process. I was confused, not by the potential truth of the comment, but by the sureness of their belief. Following the comment, they shared their perspective on how the other applicants were far more qualified. Was I missing something? I thought I was qualified? Had the same experience? Made good contributions so far? Demonstrated my potential and leadership? 

A couple years later, I am finally making space to feel the pain of moments like these in my life. I remember, the comment fed into my fears and insecurities about not being good and smart enough. But, the great thing about being a "dark horse" is this. Dark horses don't believe they deserve anything. They don't feel entitled. They don't let their privileges mislead them. Dark horses, they're typically coming from behind, and as a result, they prepare, they practice, and they run x times harder. Dark horses, they want to know they did everything they could, leaving absolutely nothing on the table.

There were four weeks between when the position was announced and when my interview occurred. I scheduled seven interview prep sessions with myself and my partner, totaling 25+ hours of reflecting, writing, re-writing, practicing, more reflecting, and more practicing: 16 questions I developed for my  internal exploration, each with very long answers taking up 10 full pages. I poured hours over these thoughts in detail, touching deep into my purpose and motivation for applying. By the end of the process, I knew clearly, I wasn't applying because it was the next rung on the career ladder, but because I had the right inspiration, the right approach to people, and the right heart for this role.

Looking back on this pivotal moment in my life, I didn't need my mom to grind my ass. I was grinding it hard enough without her. So hard, I almost made myself sick.

After the interview, I was a complete mess. My insecurities and fears misled me to believe that I didn't do enough to do better in the interview. Forget the evidence showing the contrary! My sister-in-law at the time said to me, "It's as if you went into your interview and took a big shit on the table and walked out." Her loving, hilarious comment still makes me laugh. But seriously, my lesson here is, in that moment, I was completely absent of tenderness and compassion for myself and my efforts. I lacked the spaciousness of mind to just accept things as they were at that juncture, and battered myself mentally for 3 full days. I look back at her, this version of Danielle, this dark horse, and feel so much love and softness for her, for her heart, for her pain, and for her wise lesson for me today.

This post is dedicated to all the girls and women of color, past, present, and future, who have heard a similar story of being the dark horse. You might be the dark horse, and you are beautiful, you are capable, and your luminous power deserves to be seen. Don't let anyone, including yourself, make you believe otherwise.