The Fear Series: Am I Stupid?

Magic 8-Ball Am I Stupid? Card - Ohh Deer - Greeting Cards ...


I have a fear of appearing stupid to others.

The root of this fear is a combination of several things. Growing up in a mostly white neighborhood with parents who didn't speak English well. Getting passed up for an elite spellers team in 3rd grade. Getting overlooked for the GATE program. My SAT scores repeatedly sucking compared to my other "smart Asian friends". Being terrible at numbers, quantitative classes, and technical skills, and feeling less than because of it. Those damn Model Minority expectations. Family pressure to be the best since I was given the most. And of course, my mom grinding my ass about never failing.

I was never told that 7th Heaven shit (loved that show btw). "Oh sweetie, it's OK to make mistakes and learn from them."

In fact, my mom would often say, "LOOK AT YOUR SIBLINGS' MISTAKES, LEARN FROM THEIR FAILURES SO YOU CAN AVOID YOUR OWN!"

"Work 10 times harder! Don't celebrate your successes! You can always do better!"

Oh that voice inside me sounds so familiar doesn't it?

Throughout my life, when I've been told, "You are so smart," I have typically responded with a smile and shake of the head, denying the affirmation. I say, "Noooo, I just work really hard." Because I do work really hard. But whether or not I'm actually smart, I wasn't sure. Sometimes, I still think my acceptance to Cal was pure luck, a possible mistake.

As a reasonable adult now, I know I'm smart at some things and not so smart at other things. Regardless of the truth of my IQ, the story I've been telling myself all these years about my capabilities is rooted in this fear of being stupid, this fear of failing and revealing my stupidity. Fear of being caught in lie. Believing this story has fed into my perfectionism, prevented me from taking risks, fueled my imposter syndrome, and paralyzed my ability to learn new things. I've worked so hard because in this highly privileged, high achieving, educated world, I could not afford any failures, much less allow them to be due to my own stupidity.

The good news -- this fear is one I've come into closer relationship in the last decade. I continue to work hard, but have an increased awareness of how it impacts my risk-taking and learning behaviors. I've become kinder to myself and simply more comfortable with not being the smartest person on the team. I try to lean into what I don't know and be transparent upfront with my limited knowledge or skill. These practices have worked well and in fact, have helped me be a better leader and people manager.

Next up on the Fear Series: You're Too Much to Love

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