Happy 2 Year Anniversary to My Therapist


Another anniversary in life I never imagined celebrating - two years of healing with my dear dear therapist, C. 

Two years ago, at the beginning of my separation, I approached finding C like I did with most other decisions in my life. With a lot of intention, rigor, and a mental excel sheet. I had adamant ideas for what I was looking for, especially because I developed such respect and appreciation for our couples therapist who we had just sadly separated from. My new therapist needed to be a self-identifying she, she needed to be a woman of color, and she needed to be a fucking badass. I scoured Psychology Today and Therapist of Color Bay Area Directory, read their bios with my mafia boss eyes, made a list of 15+ people, and ended up emailing about 10 of them. Over the course of three weeks, I had about 7 phone calls to check for chemistry. 

By the end of my rigorous process, something quiet called me to toss out my mental excel sheet, along with my old patterned way of making decisions. I chose C based on an unfamiliar feeling of intuition. Somehow I knew, C was meant to guide this next part of my healing journey. At first, I heard my controlling ego protest -- "No, she seems too different from our last therapist" and "She sounds a little mysterious and a little reserved" and "You need someone more intense to improve yourself!" But, I ignored my mind and followed my heart. 

Looking back, I realize my body's wisdom really came through in that moment. While my mind was looking for certain things, my heart-body knew I needed something a bit different. C has been one of the greatest gifts to my life. What my mind didn't know at the time was, I was in deep deep need of safety, tenderness, and unconditional love and compassion. I had been deserted of these ways for so long I didn't know what those qualities felt like. I needed a gentle and spacious container that would allow me to just breathe, to cry without being dismissed, to express myself without judgment, and to exist without trying to solve for anything. With our couples therapist, we had a desperate aim, to address the problems between us, which created a lot of "doing" and "needing to improve" energy. At this new juncture of my life, what I simply needed was a tender space to hold my heart and breath. To this day, C continues to just let me be, as I am. She helps me integrate my experiences. I get to emerge in whatever form I am in with her. She listens deeply, guides gently, and drops the most precise gems of wisdom as inquiry or insight.  She's a bit of a mystic fairy. 

Last year, I told C that she is an essential member of my primary soul care team. My soul care team is comprised of a handful of humans who, together, play an integral role in facilitating, supporting, and nourishing my healing journey. While I am my own point guard, C's a utility player who shifts from shooting guard to center to forward, and depending on the needs of each session, she can even be the coach or the blessed water person. Truly utility! 

I am forever grateful for the container we've co-created. I am appreciative that C continues to accept all parts of me, my light and dark sides, and my deeply complex and ever evolving humanity. This has been most healing of all. 

Today, I celebrate C, all members of my soul care team, and all the human beings who serve in roles that hold precious and sacred space for others to be fully who they are, no matter what. You are endless gifts to this world. Thank you.  

Below I share the beautifully perfect poem C gifted for our anniversary. She's come to know me very well. 

Unconditional

By Jennifer Welwood

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I gain the embrace of the universe;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

 

Each condition I flee from pursues me,

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who has made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is purest delight;

To honor its form – true devotion.

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