The Quiet Heartbreak in Friendship


We don't talk as much about the heartbreak we experience in friendship. Maybe we talk about disagreements we've had with someone or even momentary grievances that occur, but we rarely hear  about the pain that comes from when a friendship transitions into a state that just doesn't feel the same as it once did. 

Over the past few years, as my life has transformed, so have all of the relationships in my life in some way or another. Some have deepened in ways I couldn't expect. Some became even more like family. Some became easier and lighter. Some more strained or a little awkward. Some ended quietly. Some ended abruptly. Some became more distant. I've made new friendships that have nourished me deeply in a short time. I've lost old friends where the connection lost its steam and shared understanding. I've reconnected with those whose lives felt more relatable. 

Recently I've been struggling with the impermanence of it all. I've been confused by my desire for things to stay the same, given that I've endured so much change already in life. It wasn't until I watched the Friends Reunion and heard this quote did I finally make some sense of the quiet sadness in my heart.  

"If the show was about that time in your life where your friends are your family, once you start having a family of your own, it's no longer that time so the show came to a natural end..." - Marta Kauffman, Creator/Producer of Friends  

Since I was a kid, my friends have been my family. My chosen family. I grew up in a household that wasn't so safe emotionally. So I turned to my friends for everything: support, safety, care, joy, and laughter. I give a lot to my relationships, and many of them give a lot in return. I honestly don't know who I'd be today if it weren't for the relationships I developed over the years. These relationships have saved me, really, from deep loneliness and serious depression probably. But like anything else in life, nothing is forever, at least not in the same way. 

With this realization, I've been working on letting go of things needing to look and feel a particular way. Friendships, I know intimately, will have their ebbs and flows. Some will ebb and never return. Some will continue to ebb until conditions are ripe again for flow. Some will flow and take new shape. Some will flow and find deeper crevices to pour into. Even friendships have their seasons. And like the seasons, friendships will take their natural course. As I remind myself of this truth, I am practicing acceptance and gratitude, taking stock in what was shared and allowing myself to feel the grief of what's been lost.  

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