Unfuckwitable


All my life, I saw my heart as weak. 

I grew up being told that my tears were cowardly. That my sensitivities left me too exposed and indefensible to the world. That the soft ways of my heart were signs of my fragility and unsteadiness. 

My mom often expressed her greatest concern for me being out in the world, especially when it came to love and relationships. 

Má sợ con sẽ bị ăn hiếp. 

I am afraid you will be abused or bullied. 

My mom was 21 when she had my oldest brother. She was 29 when her entire family left her behind in Vietnam, when the war ended and my dad was taken to communist camp leaving her behind with 3 small children. She was 32 when they escaped by boat with nothing but a few dollars. 

Con phải giống Má. 

You must be like me.  

Strong, resilient, unbothered, and unfuckwitable. All the qualities opposite of a weak heart. 

Con là cọp giấy. 

You are a paper tiger. 

Not a real tiger. Bite-less. Weak and needing protection. 

These things I heard growing up crafted a deep-seated story in my mind about what I was made of. I used to think "paper tiger" was an endearing term. But deep inside, I held shame about what the term implied about who I was. I equated it to weak heartedness. I judged these supposedly weak parts of me. I let my marriage reinforce this story. I shoved away these essential aspects of my being. 

Recently, my spiritual teacher taught me a new way of understanding weak heartedness. 

Lacking the courage to be truthful and authentic with ourselves. 

This whole time, what I believed to be weak actually clouded me from seeing the truth of my own  heart. That weakness wasn't in my tears, or in my vulnerabilities. Weakness was in the absence of my courage to stand in my own truth and authenticity. That is where I had no bite. That is where I was not a real tiger. I couldn't stand to be with the truth of who I was. 

Coming to terms with this new notion of a weak heart has brought much sadness and grief for the person I once was, but it has also brought deep gratitude, appreciation, and joy for the woman I am today. 

No longer a paper tiger. I found my bite, my courage, and my truth. 

No longer weak hearted. 

Instead, strong hearted, full hearted, open hearted, clear hearted, and...unfuckwitable. 

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