I lived most my life with anxiety without knowing it

Thirty-four years of life, two therapists, three coaches, and a divorce later... I recently discovered, I have lived with high functioning anxiety without knowing it. 

I don't blame anyone for not having helped me figure it out sooner. The hallmark characteristic of this condition is the ability to mask it quite effectively. All my life, I've been told: 

"Danielle, you're so calm, composed, and collected."

I was always confused by this feedback. Truly puzzled after every performance review or 360 cycle. What people saw of me felt so far from how I felt inside. It's no wonder I felt like an imposter. I lacked the skill, space, and safety to explore or communicate the dissonance. Over the years, I assumed what I felt inside was just normal wear and tear of the hamster wheel. Your regular work or school stress. But no, it was more than acute stress. It's been a longterm pattern of anxiety living within me since I was a kid. Because I was so disconnected from my body, the reality of this anxiety remained disguised and unseen.  And if I am being honest, it was probably unconscious denial due to fear of being 'othered'. I'm not like people with real mental health conditions because I've got my shit together. 

In college, as a student leader, I focused primarily on mental health advocacy. I sat on the Chancellor's Committee on Student Mental Health and organized UC Berkeley's first ever Mental Health Awareness Week. This work intended to support all students with reducing stigma to mental health, drawing attention especially to the disproportionate depression screening rates of students of color. Throughout that work, I thought of myself as being outside these students whom I was advocating for. But now, I see that maybe a hidden part of me was also advocating for myself. 

Putting a name to this experience has been incredibly powerful and relieving. I have a fresh understanding of my behaviors: showing up superrr early everywhere, being exceptionally organized, planful, and prepared, being very helpful to others, needing lots of reassurance, constant overthinking and rumination, constantly filled social calendar, and unexamined loyalty in relationships. 

Learning these things helps explain how part of my childhood conditioning evolved seamlessly into adulthood. I got really good at trying to be perfect and overachieving because: I didn't want to disappoint others, I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to be seen as not enough, and I wanted to be loved. I kept moving. I kept doing. I kept busy. And so, I've accomplished a lot, but at what cost? This anxiety kept me from taking risks, embracing my creative intuition, connecting intimately with myself and others, and staying present to the beauty of my life.  

Well, now that it's here in the limelight, I am befriending it. I am exploring new ways of relating to my behaviors and notice when they're driven by anxiety or true authenticity. 

I have Year of Dana and my healing path to thank for this discovery, along with my beloveds who have been mirrors for me on this journey. Thankfully, my body is finally healing. As she recovers from many years of these unconscious ways, she can finally tell me wisdom she's held all along. 

She says to me, Danielle, when you can: 

• let go of what you thought you knew about myself
• make your self care, rest, and wellbeing your #1 priority 
• create space for stillness, silence, and slowness 
• lean deeply into your spiritual practice 

What you can experience is this: 

True calmness, composure, and collectedness. Right inside of you. 

The only place where it really matters. 

**For anyone who resonates with this post and would like to connect, please reach out anytime. Check out this article for more info. I got you. Much love.**