Year of Dana: The Midway Reflection
At the start of this path, I had no idea how things would look. While I committed myself to some intentions and practices, I really wanted to open myself up to the possibility of every day (a very new and uncomfortable way of being for me). As COVID hit, many asked, "Oh no, how will this affect your time off?" In some ways, the pandemic forced me to surrender fully to this openness, because my usual need to control process and outcomes has been useless in this new world. I have learned so so much about myself and the way of the universe during this time period. At this juncture, I feel rested, renewed, and fully capable. My inner fire is burning fiercely.
This beautiful graphic, curated by my dear sister Christine Pham, captures the key elements of my dana journey so far. Below, I offer some juicy insight about each of them. 😊
10 Elements of A Year of Dana
Becoming intimate with my spiritual home
This has single handedly been the most important part of the past 2 years for me. Learning how to find safety, love, and care within myself, when historically I searched for these things outside of me, has uncovered a friendship with self that is absolutely precious and endlessly giving. This inner spiritual home has a warm cozy fireplace with a fridge full of ice cream and pastrami sandwiches, a comfy couch, and large windows that give me clarity into my own wisdom. This home has held my deepest pain and grief over the past few months. With a home like this inside me, I feel loved and cared for no matter where I am and who I am with.
Allowing myself to be and live as a whole person
Allowing my whole personhood to breathe and exist moment by moment has been a refreshing new way to live. It is an ongoing practice to find value in my dark shadow qualities as much as my light ones. To have the understanding that none of my emotions are bad but offer some direction on how to tend to myself in the moment. To see my unwholesome ways as not defining me, yet being part of what makes me a beautiful human. Accepting the wholeness of who I am frees me to see and love others for their fullness as well.
Uncovering the wisdom of my body
My whole life up until now has been dictated primarily by my mind. For a long time, I neglected the needs and insights of my body and heart. These important intelligence centers hold immeasurable knowledge about what we need to be well and live our most authentic selves. Working with a somatic coach has been life changing (Hi Kelsey!). I had no idea how much was held in even the most micro movements of my body. Trauma, love, hesitance, doubt, love, care, and so much more I have yet to discover. The way our body physically moves and takes shape in our day-to-day will tell us so many things we are not conscious of. I have found the courage to finally listen.
Nourishing the fire within through creativity
I discovered that my inner center for inspiration had been dead for years. Finding love again allowed me to reconnect with a creative energy and spirit that has brought so much joy and possibility. Nourishing this force of fire has been a ton of fun. In some ways I feel like a kid again. Writing, photography, watercolor, reading, meaningful work, and more. I have a life force within me that is meant to create good in this world. I am no longer denying this power.
Healing through mother earth's elements and community
Leaning into the generosity of my community has been a difficult yet life giving practice. As a giver, the story I told myself was I didn't need to ask for help, or that I would be disappointed by the help of others. Talk about a fear of vulnerability! Receiving love in various forms, graciously from others, has healed my heart and body. Similarly, I have received endless gifts from mother earth through the warmth of sunshine on my face, the soothing sound of streams running, the caress of wind on my skin, and the groundedness of eucalyptus and redwood trees. The medicine of nature is free and generous!
Letting go of conditioned beliefs and behaviors
Seeing myself clearly for the first time has helped me examine closely what ways of being are mine and what way of beings belong to others -- my parents and family, my former partner, my former employers, society and culture, etc. What ways have served me well? What ways have been destructive? What ways are limiting my possibility? I continue to explore what shedding old patterns might open up for my life. Letting go of old beliefs is an every moment practice, requiring awareness and a courage to take action, even if it risks hurting others.
Radical guilt-free rest, self care, and slow living
Would you agree that simply being human and living can be a pretty harsh experience? I feel like I am resting my body for the first time in 34 years, healing deeply held trauma in my body from relationships and old wounds and also stepping back from the harsh grind of living in a patriarchal and capitalistic world. The go-go-go mentality is so embedded in my brain and body, but mindfulness practice has helped me move more slowly, allowing me to see when and where I feel the need to rush and be efficient. Completely imperfect, this is the best self care I've ever given to myself.
Embracing silence, stillness, and spaciousness
It can be very difficult to sit still and quietly for extended periods of time. But, like they say about going on a run, I never regret it. Whether it's getting on the cushion, going on a solo hike, eating mindfully with no distractions, or reserving do-nothing afternoons... afterwards, I tend to feel nourished, peaceful, calm, and capable of handling whatever comes up next. I cultivate deeper attention and presence with myself and others. This allows me to respond and live from an authentic and spacious place.
Cultivating trust with the mystery of the unknown
In this new world that we're in, there seems to only be mystery. But what is our relationship with mystery? Learning (and failing) to trust in the unknown has taught me a lot about myself. I have a refined understanding of my fears, what drives my actions, and what I need to rest in my cultivated trust more consistently. I have experienced glimpses of abundance and freedom when I can fully trust that what remains unseen and unknown will give me exactly what I need in each moment. Trusting the unknown is also learning how to trust myself and my inner compass. No voice is more important than my own.
Exploring new ways of being and possibilities
Seeing myself in completely new ways has been both terrifying and liberating. I realized I've been scared of my own power and agency, that I wouldn't be able to handle it. But guess what, I can. Who I've believed myself to be is all up in the air, and it feels empowering to let all of that go in order to live my truest, most authentic self, in each and every moment. As I become less loyal to myself, I become more free to be me.
Last but not least, My Chakra Affirmations were identified with the support of Karolyn Wong and the API Womxn Heal x Live x Thrive community. These affirmations simply articulate the ways in which I want to experience myself and life.
So much gratitude goes to my primary soul care team, spiritual teachers and mentors, family and friends, and the loving communities that have supported this journey. The path of awakening and healing is never walked in isolation. If we allow it, the path can be lined with abundant love and compassion, wisdom, joy, light, and care from all corners of the universe.
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