Lifeless

Bodega Bay

Today, my heart feels lifeless. Undone. 

She wakes up this morning to both the weight of grief and a deep longing to be held and seen. Grief from painful dreams. Grief from letting love go. Grief from healing. Grief from grasping. Grief from knowing. Grief from surrendering to the unknown. She's confused by the conditions that have brought her here. Some days, it's all very clear, but days like these, things don't seem fair. Is love supposed to be fair? Her love is full and abundant, and it is both her gift and her curse. All she wants is to give this love and to be cared for.  In moments like this, her purpose seems so simple, yet at the same time, so difficult to live into. How did I get here? Whose loss is it? Whose grief is it? My mind tries to support her by asking unanswerable questions to understand. But there is no understanding. There is no making better. There is no fixing. There is no distracting. There is only being. Being with her. Holding her preciously with my own hands. Seeing her deeply with my own eyes. Feeling her fully with my own body. 

It's not everyday she feels lifeless, but today she does and I will honor her because that's what she deserves. For so long, she has gone unhonored, that whatever she needs now, I give to her. Whether it be a gentle touch, a few hours in bed, a cup of ice cream, listening to music, a bag of gummy worms, writing, being outside, a walk, or a meditation, whatever she wants, I try to hear her and bear witness to her momentary suffering. Because I know that if I do, she will find life again.  Today, I fearlessly let her rest in the home of her own abundant being. 

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