The River Cannot Go Back

Today marks three full months since the start of Year of Dana. Before leaving my job, a dear friend kindly offered much needed wisdom. She suggested in the first few months, to give myself permission to have nothing planned, intended, and lined up. She encouraged me to let my heart guide my way once I stopped and became still. I took this advice seriously. So when many people asked what the first couple months would hold, I would simply shrug and respond,"I don't know. My only intention is to wake up each day and do as my body and heart need." 

A total surrender to the river flow of life, to what is. 

Since April 3, surrendering has seemed like the only way, as both worlds outside and inside of me have totally shaken and transformed. Outside of me. A pandemic, disruptively waking up mother earth and our global eco-system. A racial justice movement for Black lives, shocking the minds and hearts of unconscious individuals and broken systems. Both disruptions remain to be seen what kind of longterm impact they'll have on the world. Inside of me. An ocean of grief, stirring alive again pain from wounds still taking shape, still healing. Grief that could only arrive once I was finally still and completely untethered from the anchors of my own delusions. They say waves of grief come in all sizes and heights and undertake you in moments you don't expect. I thought after my first period of silence, the ocean would stay calm. But what I hadn't known was the power of stillness to clear away  more deeply that which no longer serves me. I hadn't known the possibility of touching so intimately my own suffering that it would open me further to the anger, shame, and grief nestled far down in the depths of my being. An internal disruption also remaining to be seen what seeds of love and growth were planted and nourished during this time. 

A total surrender to the continuous disruptions, the lingering fears, and the unknowable unknowns, now and forthcoming, because the river flow of life cannot go back. She cannot go back. 

The River Cannot Go Back 

Kahlil Gibran 

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.
She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.
And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.
But there is no other way.
The river can not go back.
Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.
The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.