What I Learned From 5 Days of Silence

"Silence is a fence around wisdom."

 I thought when I left my job, a magical cloud of peace would just settle around me. But after my first two weeks of Year of Dana, I realized, I was completely addicted to the noise of social connectivity. My calendar was quite active and my presence was still plugged into the worlds I'm part of. While I enjoyed each one of those connections and experiences, I found myself wondering, "What's underneath my patterns, needs, and attachments with social connection?" Sure, I had lots of time alone doing quiet things but my mind felt so wired. Pure stillness was missing still for my heart and body. So, I decided to take 5 days of noble silence by myself, with the support of a perfectly flexible virtual retreat hosted by Insight Meditation Society and an incredible teaching team (Jozen Gibson, Sharon Salzberg, Joseph Goldstein). There's so much to say about the whole experience, but for now, here are the 5 top takeaways from my 5 days of silence: 

 1. Unexpectedly, my time in silence was deeply healing and nourishing. Going silent was a radical effort in self love and care. This time of silence was the most precious gift I have ever given to myself. I used this gift to come back to myself, to reveal again my resilience, courage, and capacity for boundless love. This personal healing work for my heart-mind-body is contributing goodness to my community of beloveds as well as the greater earth. 

 2. Not having to respond or react to anyone but myself in any given moment was incredibly freeing. I saw my mind more clearly and could respond to it choicefully. I realized, our human minds can be so self brutalizing in the way we tell ourselves how to move throughout the day. This showed me that when I am caught up in the grind of life, there is a saddening absence of self-understanding and gentleness day-to-day. In my silence, I was able to deepen tenderness and patience with myself. 

 3. It takes intention, motivation, time, energy, and humility to spend time cultivating my ability to face my pains, emotions, thoughts, fears, attachments, and old habit patterns. I am on a journey to free myself from living with a dominating egoic mind, a numb disconnected body, and a closed heart. 

 4. My attachment to connecting with others simply comes from a deep longing to be loved and seen by those I care about. If I don't do this thing, this person won't love, value, or care about me. Well, what a pervasive story that is, isn't it? It couldn't be further from the truth, and if it is, it's probably someone I don't need to love or care about me. Here, I am leaning how to rest in the compassion, trust, and grace of my loved ones. 

 5. I am not the person I thought I was all this time. I am a continuously unfolding mystery to myself, and that is both completely okay and completely terrifying at the same time. You think you know yourself until you sit down to see the contents of your own mind in silence! The growth comes from exploring my relationship with this mysterious self. 

For those interested in what the 5 days looked like, please see below! 

------------

5 Days of Noble Silence & Self-Retreating 

Gentle Guidelines 
  • Listen to my body and do whatever she needs
  • Practice mindful awareness and slow movement 
  • Be gentle with myself and my thoughts
Daily Activities
  • 2 hours of formal meditation and chanting
  • 2.5 hours of live virtual Buddhist teachings 
  • 2-3 hours being outside (walking, running, smelling roses) 
  • All other hours: yoga, reading, journaling, resting with my eyes closed, mindful eating, listening to birds, sleeping  
Paused Activities
  • Phone calls, video chats, text messages, emails 
  • All social media (with exception of yoga videos)
  • All streaming channels 
  • All other phone, online activity, and entertainment 
  • Listening to music  
  • Any "non-essential doing activities" (e.g. paying bills, chores)
Miscellaneous
  • I put my phone on airplane mode
  • I slept between 9-10pm and woke up between 5:00-6:30am
  • All my meals were prepared already so preparation and clean up were easy 
  • I had 3 emergency contacts who knew where to find me if needed  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Year of Dana

Last October, I went to a powerfully intuitive reiki practitioner, looking for a cleanse and realignment of the energy centers in my body. I needed her help to deal with my divorce grief. I had no idea what to expect, but walked away feeling upright, lighter, and energetic. Days after my second reiki, while sitting in meditation, I experienced an intimate moment of gratitude for someone I love deeply. Within minutes, I felt a rush of clarity and energy in my body. Just like that, the idea of living A Year of Dana came to me. After a few months of feeling the continuous energy of this idea in my heart and body, I finally decided to give notice to my employer. I am leaving my job of five years on April 3, 2020. Over the next year, I will be living A Year of Dana , focused on the practice of generosity towards myself and others. I will practice generosity through cultivating a heartset and mindset of abundance and dismantling my own mental conditioning around scarcity. My h
Read more

The Fear Series: I am too much to be loved

Image
Shoreline at Point Reyes Feeling.  Feeling has been my greatest power, yet my greatest source of suffering. I've been deeply sensitive since I was a small person. As a power, my feelings have enabled me as a natural empath who can pick up on nuanced, interpersonal dynamics and effectively support people emotionally. As a source of suffering, my feelings, left unseen, cause me to be unnecessarily defensive, difficult, and self-loathing. To deal with them, I tend to feel quickly, "process" quickly, and show it quickly. Part of the quick pace has been conditioned by my family.  My feelings represented weakness, disrespect, and a lack of gratitude. They needed to disappear as quickly as they came.  How could you be crying? What is there to cry about? We love you, we feed you, we house you, and we keep you physically safe. You're in America! It's not like you fled war! Save your tears for something worth crying for.  So, you might be thinking, well at least you can fee
Read more

You failed at your marriage

My mom said to me, you failed at your marriage.  It was unexpected. My mind didn't really register her words but my body started to react. I noticed some physical sensation but instead of pausing to let my mind catch up, I quickly moved into an intellectual response. I explained to my mom,  Ma, it's not really about success or failure. A lot of people stay in unhappy marriages and treat each other poorly. If you're seeing it from that lens, you wouldn't call that a successful marriage, would you? I didn't fail though. I loved and I learned. This is just life.  Somehow, I thought reframing would help. But it didn't. She said some things in return, but I was in such shock by her words that I don't recall the rest of the conversation. We hung up. She had no idea the impact of her words. I didn't either. I had to rush out of my place to catch Bart to the city. I started texting one of my best friends sharing what my mom said. My friend was in disbelief
Read more