insight arising

View of San Francisco's skyline at Grizzly Peak Lookout Earlier today, I went on a solo hike in Tilden Regional Park. Being outside in nature on the last day of this decade was intentional. On the hike, I thought about where and who I was in 2010 and how much things have changed as we approach a brand new decade. Ten years ago, I remember having such a fixed view of the myself. Yet at the same time, I was constantly trying to improve who I was, never really feeling satisfied. Why? In some moments, the feeling has been reluctant recognition. This is who I am and I'm not going to change much. In other moments, the feeling has been internalized disapproval. I really don't like myself right now, how can I improve? Why couldn't I just accept my ever changing self with love and compassion, as I was, in any given moment? As these reflections floated around in my mind, I finally reached the top of the hike, Wildcat Peak. I sat, breathed in the crisp clean air, to...

***SPOILER ALERT*** If you haven't seen Ali's show and want to remain in suspense about her new content, please do not continue reading.  I recently watched Ali Wong's new Milk & Honey show with some friends at The Masonic in San Francisco. Ali remains, in my heart, a transcendent pioneer of modern day comedy, not just by Asian American standards, but by cleverly brilliant human being standards. Sure, call me biased as a Vietnamese American fangirl who has seen her in small comedy settings twice before her big fame blowout on Netflix. But Ali's not winning with her 8 figure Netflix deals just because she's a petite framed Asian woman killin' it in a white man's world. She's winning because her content is funny, clever and skillful as fuck, refreshingly honest, disgusting, relatable, and increasingly provocative. She's taking risks, pushing boundaries, and it's amazing to witness. In her show, Ali does a whole bit on cheating on her ...

I returned to Orange County for the holiday week after being away for the past 5 months. I took much needed time and space for myself, despite my mom's several attempts to see me. My heart has been at full capacity, leaving absolutely no room to absorb the emotional volatility and noise of my family environment. For the first time in my life, I made repeated choices to draw boundaries with my parents and family. With a combination of kindness and clear assertion, I explained repeatedly to my dear mom why I couldn't see her sooner than when I was ready. These choices were a huge break from my habitual pattern of behavior. She had several reactions ranging from guilting me, dramatic disbelief, hurt tears, confusion, anger, reluctant understanding, and eventually some level of acceptance. I was not going to see them until I was ready in my heart and body. I'm really proud of the choices I made, how I made them, and how I communicated them to my family. Taking the space I nee...

Light and Darkness Are One I've been afraid of the dark since I was a teeny human. I used to sleep with a night light or at the foot of my parents' bed because it was hard to be alone in the dark. In all the places I've lived, I would switch on ALL the lights, regardless if I was actually in the room. I'd leave lights on, even when I left the house, because I didn't want to return home to the dark. My relationship with darkness has really changed over the past few months. I have been knee deep in a major life transition, where I am learning how to be comfortable with the darkest corners of my own being. As I contemplate darkness in myself, unraveling parts of me that were hard to discover earlier on in my life, my interactions with literal darkness have changed. For the better, I'd say. Actually, it's been pretty fun. Over the past few months, I have: Barely used my ceiling lights, defaulting to my nightstand lamp, a stove light, and lots and lots...

25 Aspiring Bodhisattvas with Badass Living Bodhisattva & Teacher Mushim Ikeda I recently completed a class at East Bay Meditation Center (EBMC) called the Path of the Bodhisattva with my badass teacher, Mushim. What is a Bodhisattva?  Essentially an everyday person on an imperfect journey to relieve the suffering of others, including their own, through using compassion and wisdom.  My parents have been talking Bodhisattva talk to me my whole life. When I was little, I was like, "Bodhi what?!" It honestly sounded like they were cursing at me. My mom was always talking to me about one Bodhisattva in particular. Quan The Am (or Quan Yin).  Let's call her QTA. QTA is the iconic female Bodhisattva who you see hanging in a standing statue form pretty much in every hippie crystal shop across America. She comes in jade, rose quartz, bronze, gold, you name it!   My mom would always tell (or abrasively coerce) me to pray to QTA. ( "Cầu nguyện to mẹ đi co...

Our dharma teacher tonight spoke on the topic of shame and how it's the base emotion that escalates conflict. She talked about how shame separates us from others. It puts us on the margins. It triggers the self-referencing mind. Shame keeps us from loving and accepting ourselves for who we are. Sometimes, shame keeps us in the hustle of continuously trying to fix ourselves. It's only when we let go of the desire to constantly improve that we can begin to learn how to love ourselves for exactly who we are. What makes us lovable? The work promotion? The personal record in a marathon? The graduate degree? The perfectly hosted dinner? 112 likes on an IG photo? No, none of those things. What makes us lovable are the human moments and experiences of imperfection. Finding peanut butter in our hair. Waking up late for work. Saying the awkward thing. Tripping over our own feet. Singing the wrong words to a song. Spilling coffee on our white shirts. These are the things ...