insight arising

Shoreline at Point Reyes Feeling.  Feeling has been my greatest power, yet my greatest source of suffering. I've been deeply sensitive since I was a small person. As a power, my feelings have enabled me as a natural empath who can pick up on nuanced, interpersonal dynamics and effectively support people emotionally. As a source of suffering, my feelings, left unseen, cause me to be unnecessarily defensive, difficult, and self-loathing. To deal with them, I tend to feel quickly, "process" quickly, and show it quickly. Part of the quick pace has been conditioned by my family.  My feelings represented weakness, disrespect, and a lack of gratitude. They needed to disappear as quickly as they came.  How could you be crying? What is there to cry about? We love you, we feed you, we house you, and we keep you physically safe. You're in America! It's not like you fled war! Save your tears for something worth crying for.  So, you might be thinking, well at least you can fee...

A Generous Morning in Bolinas  "But if you're only giving because it makes you feel good, isn't that selfish?" he asked.  My then-partner wasn't wrong to ask the question. It could have been a healthy discussion. But it wasn't. He asked the question to make a point, because he was coming from a place of self-judgment. I responded in difficult defense, because I was coming from a place of fear. The exchange became a deeply painful moment for me, my sense of self, and our relationship. I thought, "Maybe he's right, maybe I am selfish."  I stopped there without further internal investigation partly because I relinquished my own agency and partly because I wanted to keep harmony. As a result, in the final years of our relationship, I shrank myself. I felt some shame. I grew tight. I doubted my impulses of generosity. I thought I was selfish, so I became increasingly selfish. I let the desire to give pass me by. I acted less and less generously with m...

Dear Alison Roman,  Yea, it's wrong what you said about Chrissy Teigen and Marie Kondo. People are pissed and rightly so. My guess though is you've been feeling the deep burn of backlash over the past few days. You've been feeling the reactions and hurt of women who are in pain. But you must also be feeling the pain inside yourself too. The pain at the root of those interview comments. The pain of your insecurities. The pain of its public display. The pain in the shame of your unconscious remarks and conditioning.  There has been a lot of discussion about your privilege as a white woman and its role in enabling your ability and capacity to make such comments. While I won't excuse your comments or your privilege, I won't hold it against you. I won't stop supporting your work either out of anger. Doing so would be one and the same with your thoughtless comments. Doing so would be perpetuating the work of patriarchy and white supremacy. I refuse to participate in t...

"Silence is a fence around wisdom." I thought when I left my job, a magical cloud of peace would just settle around me. But after my first two weeks of Year of Dana , I realized, I was completely addicted to the noise of social connectivity. My calendar was quite active and my presence was still plugged into the worlds I'm part of. While I enjoyed each one of those connections and experiences, I found myself wondering, "What's underneath my patterns, needs, and attachments with social connection?" Sure, I had lots of time alone doing quiet things but my mind felt so wired. Pure stillness was missing still for my heart and body. So, I decided to take 5 days of noble silence by myself, with the support of a perfectly flexible virtual retreat hosted by  Insight Meditation Society  and an incredible teaching team ( Jozen Gibson , Sharon Salzberg ,  Joseph Goldstein ). There's so much to say about the whole experience, but for now, here are the 5 top tak...

I regret giving away so much of myself to seek unspoken approval from him and his love, leaving little for myself. I regret shrinking my needs, my standards for how I wanted to be loved. I regret contorting myself, losing certain aspects of my true authentic self. I regret allowing fear to unconsciously rule my ways of being. I regret not learning how to care for myself, how to draw boundaries and how to stay emotionally safe. I regret not loving myself better and more tenderly, being more attentive to my heart, mind, and body.