insight arising

I hadn't known what love in my body felt like until I did.  I hadn't known this embodied sense of love had been missing most of my life.  Love had always been known, in my mind.  In my mind, I knew my mom and dad loved me. I knew my siblings loved me. I knew my ex-husband loved me.  But my body didn't know. And my heart was confused by the disconnection between my mind and body. For some reason, we're socialized to accept the conceptual understanding of love as enough. But the human experience is worthy of love beyond the mind.  Somehow, my heart knew this, so she worked hard to bridge the gap. She worked so hard she collapsed when the gap became too wide to close.  Six weeks after I left my marriage, I went to see my parents. My heart was so raw and tender. What she wanted most was to be held by mom. She wanted her tears to be seen. She wanted to feel the warmth of love in her body. Like a baby, she was looking for the rest and comfort of the womb.  B...

The spirit of gratitude feels far away from me. I know I'm grateful for a ton of real things. My health and wellbeing, and that of my loved ones. The space and time I've had this year to heal. The light of the moon peaking into my window. My 5 jump ropes. Avocado ice cream. Being 6th wheel to my sister's family. My nephew's brownies. My friendships, new and familiar. Long hikes. My hugging pillow. Cobra Kai. Adorable new babies. Dharma. Quietude. Essential workers at the front line. Meaningful work and service.  There's so much to be thankful for. Yet in my body, my gratitude feels distant and hollow. I reach my hand out but can't grasp onto anything beyond the surface. This holiday season, the weight of grief and sadness feels especially heavy. Thanksgiving in particular feels like a glaring symbol of death, transition, and renewal that arrives from loss. Thanksgiving was established by white colonizers after a brutal massacre of Indigenous people. Centuries la...